


The Stronger Pull

by weepingnaiad



Series: The Stronger Pull 'verse [1]
Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-18
Updated: 2010-07-03
Packaged: 2017-10-15 10:27:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/159900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weepingnaiad/pseuds/weepingnaiad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Summary:</b>  On McCoy’s wedding day, Jim Kirk finally confesses his love.  It completely reorders McCoy’s world, in more ways than one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Beta:** the incredible, uber talented, and all round superwoman, LJ user abigail89, without whom this would have no title and be sheer nonsense, so send her much love for she deserves it!
> 
>  **A/N:** Title from this quote: _Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love. – Rumi_
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** The characters and world belong to the Master himself, Roddenberry. I am only borrowing them so they can come out and frolic a bit, not intending any copyright infringement of any sort. I do own my original characters, but they are available for parties!

McCoy fiddled with his tie; whatever he did, it would not lie straight. He growled in frustration. His long simmering nerves erupted as he broke out into a cold sweat. He glared at his reflection in the mirror and sternly reminded himself that this was what he wanted, that he was getting married, and going to be blissfully happy _‘til death do us part’._

He snorted at himself before leaning his forehead against the cool glass. He was supposed to be excited and happy; he remembered that much from the first time he’d done this. But now the roiling in his stomach was not caused by joyful anticipation. Before he could dwell too long on that thought, the door opened and he felt more than heard the quiet steps behind him. Even being this uncharacteristically silent, McCoy knew that gait.

“Jim?” he questioned, turning around abruptly. And there he was. The Captain of the _Enterprise._ Somehow Jim Kirk even made the green dress uniform look stunning. The roiling turned into a hard knot and McCoy’s mouth went dry as suddenly he felt laughable with his hair now mussed and his tie askew. Van’elria had insisted he looked sexy in the traditional tuxedo, that the dark tones complemented his coloring, but next to Jim he felt like a stiff-neck penguin.

He sighed, his face scowling. “Shouldn’t you be out there? The ceremony’s about to start.”

Jim walked up and unknotted McCoy’s tie. “I’m your best man, Bones. I should be in here, making sure you’re ready, which you’re not, by the way.”

McCoy’s heart quaked at Jim’s nearness. Those blue eyes were as unfathomable as ever, but there was something in them that McCoy had never seen before, something besides brash arrogance and cocky surety. For once it didn’t seem that Jim owned all he surveyed. He tried to speak, but failed, and had to clear his throat as he placed his hand over Jim’s on his tie. “Jim?” He breathed out, softly, questioning, unsure.

Jim bit his lip and he inhaled sharply as he concentrated on re-tying Bones’ tie. “That the cologne I gave you?” His tone was a bit off, not so easy and careless, and McCoy noticed. He paid careful attention to everything about Jim and he could sense there was something percolating under his controlled façade. Instead of asking what he didn’t want to hear, he answered Jim with a nod, afraid his voice would shake from the memories of that birthday, his first on board the _Enterprise._

For a brief instant, McCoy was transported back, was once again the uncertain, confused man that had fallen for his best friend and followed him into space, even against his best intentions. Jim had known just what to do, just how to distract him and he found that time flew swiftly as the crew grew accustomed to the ship and each other, and he actually enjoyed himself.

Soon enough, it was his birthday and Jim had arranged a small celebration, even suckered his med team into the plotting. The surprise party was well done, nothing elaborate; just good friends, good food, and even better bourbon. The best part, the memories that still make his knees weak was later that night, when they were alone. Jim gave him the cologne, kissed him and then proceeded to turn Leonard inside out. He’d never been the sole focus of such intensity, never had someone as talented as Jim bring him to such heights of pleasure so effortlessly.

The devotion that Jim showed that night broke McCoy’s resistance, convinced him that Jim felt the same as he did, was the point that McCoy admitted he was lost. He’d already followed Jim into space; that night just bound him tighter, glued him to Jim. The aftermath, when Jim retreated and returned to his old ways, was the first time that McCoy realized just what exactly it meant to love Jim.

Jim patted the neatly knotted tie, and stepped back two paces. He placed his hands behind him and met Bones’ gaze, finally finding his voice. “You can’t do this, Bones.”

McCoy’s brow furrowed and he reached up to touch the now perfect tie. “Obviously. It took you to get it straight.” His heart leapt, but he ruthlessly squashed the blind hope that flared. That had been crushed long ago and he’d be damned if he’d let it surface on his fucking wedding day. “Guess I’m ready,” he said, running his hands through his hair as he straightened up.

Jim shook his head. “Not the tie, dammit! You know what I mean. You can’t marry Van’elria.”

McCoy’s eyes hardened. His lips pursed into a straight line. “Why the hell not?”

Jim radiated tension, McCoy could see it, could _feel_ it pulsing off of him. But Jim answered him almost coolly, “Because you don’t love her.” He drew close to Bones, but did not touch, his eyes daring the doctor to lie to him.

McCoy sucked in a sharp breath and took a step back, only to find himself pressed against the mirror. “What is it to you if I do or I don’t?” he nearly spat the words out; the wounds he had hoped were long healed burst open, oozing venom.

Jim advanced, splaying a hand over McCoy’s heart and meeting his furious gaze. “I’m your best friend…” he started and then shook his head and stopped. “No, that’s not the whole of it. I love you, Bones, and you love me. This isn’t what you really want and you know it.”

McCoy stood there, gaping, his eyes wide and his heart thundering. He couldn’t focus, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. After all these years, Jim finally broke down and admitted his feelings?

Jim shifted, uncomfortable in the silence, his breath brushing McCoy’s cheek. “Bones?” he asked, hushed, unsure.

His nickname coming soft and low in Jim’s voice broke his trance. Frustration, anger and years of regret boiled over. “Fuck you, Jim! After all this time, you finally decide to speak up? Why now?” he hissed as he pushed Jim away. He tried to flee from that intense gaze, from those lying eyes and lips, but Jim didn’t move. The asshole widened his stance and lifted his arms, pressing his palms flat against the mirror, on either side of McCoy’s head.

“Because I’m a coward and couldn’t get up the nerve to admit how I feel and I don’t want to lose you. I-I can’t.” Jim swallowed, but he didn’t waver under the heat of McCoy’s rightful fury.

“You ass! There’s a room full of people out there who came to see me get married. There’s a pretty damn special woman down the hall, expecting forever. God dammit, Jim! My daughter’s out there… with my fuckin’ ex-wife! You couldn’t have gotten up your nerve before today?” McCoy was panting, fury and hope twisting up inside of him.

Jim shook his head, frowning. “I’m sorry, Bones. I didn’t think it was real… that’d you actually go through with it…” He lifted his chin, set his shoulders and retreated.

“So you thought this whole thing was some elaborate game of chicken?”

“Yes! No! Dammit!” Jim raised his voice and ran his hands through his hair.

“Well, fuck you, Jim! Looks like you blinked.” McCoy growled, his voice cracking.

“It’s not that…” Jim tried, his voice pleading. “Bones! Goddammit! You know how I feel…”

McCoy shook his head. “No, Jim, I don’t. I’m not a fucking mind reader.” His voice was flat, and radiated hurt.

“I’m telling you the truth this time. You’re the only one.” He met Bones’ gaze, his eyes for once completely unguarded and vulnerable. “Wasn’t going to let you walk away without hearing me say it. I owe you that much.”

“No,” McCoy spat the word out. “I-I can’t… not now. For the love of God, Jim.” His voice broke and he stopped, eyes blazing with anguish.

Jim ducked his head, his whole body deflating. The silence in the room only broken by the sounds of McCoy’s harsh breathing. After what seemed like an eternity, Jim straightened, his eyes open, broken shards of blue. “I’m sorry, Bones. I can’t bear the thought of you leaving. We were supposed to be together… always.” He scrubbed at his face. “Fuck. I hope she makes you happy…”

McCoy faltered. Jim had never looked this vulnerable, never let down all of his guards, not even in the shuttle bay when his name wasn’t called to board ship that fateful day. He hadn’t been able to leave Jim behind then. How could he now? McCoy just couldn’t resist Jim. Never could. All the cocky asshole ever had to do was look at McCoy with the god’s honest truth in his eyes, his need, his want revealed, and McCoy was a goner. Again.

“Fuckin’ hell, Jim.” He slumped back against the mirror, his head hitting the glass with a sharp thump. This wasn’t right. He couldn’t do this, couldn’t break Van’elria’s heart. Yet when he looked up and met Jim’s eyes and fell into their bottomless depths, he knew he couldn’t leave him, not again.

He reached up and undid his tie, swallowing down the terror and sheer elation that were warring in his gut. “You better mean it this time, asshole…” He dropped his face to his hands. “How am I going to break it to Van’elria? She doesn’t deserve this shit.”

Jim’s eyes were sad as he stepped close and reached for McCoy. He cupped Bones’ cheek and thumbed his jaw. “I’m sorry, but I do mean it. Always have. We’ll figure it out. I swear, Bones.” His voice was low and earnest, holding a promise and a vow. He leaned in and kissed him tenderly before McCoy reached up and pulled them together tightly, sucking the air from his lungs.

When he finally leaned back, Jim’s blue eyes were indigo and his full lips were dark red, hair a mess, face flushed, and dress uniform rumpled. He looked good enough to eat and McCoy was desperate and needy and would have thrown him down on the couch that very instant, but for the hesitant knock at the door.

Jim pulled back, licking his lips, his smile as bright as the summer sun and McCoy was floored, his heart fit to burst from his chest as the reality sunk in. Jim had finally admitted what he felt. What he wanted. Them. Together.

“Captain? Doctor?” Gaila’s softly accented voice called out.

“Oh, shit!” McCoy blanched. He was going to have to face the crowd… and Van’elria.

Jim steadied him with a hand on his bicep. “I’m here, Bones. I’ll handle the guests. I’ll tell them there’s been a delay and then come get you.” He straightened his tunic and ran a quick hand through his hair. Just that easily he became the captain of the _Enterprise_ once again –confident, assured, his vulnerability cleverly concealed behind a grinning facade. He opened the door to Gaila’s concerned face.

“Is there some trouble?” she asked.

Jim looked back over his shoulder at McCoy and gave him a heart melting smile. He bit his lip before turning to walk out with Gaila. “Not exactly. Just that I need to make an announcement.”

Gaila allowed herself to be led away, but she glanced back over her shoulder, her brows knitting in confusion as she studied the doctor; then her eyes widened in silent understanding. _She knew._

McCoy quailed. He had no idea how he was going to do this. No matter that Jim was right. He wasn’t in love with Van’elria. He had hoped love would bloom, that the sparks he remembered with Joce would flare, but they hadn’t. Worse yet was that it was full blown fireworks each of the very rare times that he and Jim had hooked up. Even when it was nothing more than desperate kisses to reassure one another after an away mission gone wrong, the intensity, _the fire_ was always there, always on, ready to erupt from the tiniest ember.

He was an honorable man. He had to try and make this right. His heart was heavy and his steps leaden as he walked the twenty paces down the corridor. He hated himself for what he was about to do, but he’d hate himself even more if he married Van’elria with a lie in his heart and Jim on his lips.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

McCoy knocked hesitantly. He barely heard the ‘Enter’ before opening the door and walking in. He faltered when he looked up. There was no doubt that Van’elria was a beautiful woman, but today she was the embodiment of Venus. She was not a petite woman and was usually in scrubs and a lab coat, so the change was startling. Her raven dark hair was swept up, baring graceful neck and shoulders. She had opted for a slim understated strapless black dress which made her fair skin seem almost porcelain in the light and accentuated her curves.

McCoy was struck silent by her beauty and had no idea what to say or how to begin. How do you crush a woman’s heart?

“Len?” she asked, her hands dropping from her to hair to her sides as she turned. “What’s wrong?”

McCoy ducked his head, unable to look at her. He glanced around the room, noted they were alone and blurted out, “We need to talk.”

He watched as Van’elria stiffened and then sagged back against the counter. Her hands gripped the edge as though her very life depended upon it. She choked out, “Can’t it wait?”

He shook his head, eyes flitting from side to side as he looked everywhere but at her.

He heard a muttered curse and looked up to see Van’elria had closed her eyes and seemed to be counting as though trying to stem a panic attack.

“Van?” Concerned, he took two steps toward her.

“Stay back!” she cried out and held up a long-fingered hand. “Just… please…” Her voice shook and her eyes shone wetly, but she fought the tears, desperately willing herself not to cry.

McCoy looked at her, confused and distraught. “Can I…”

“No.” Her eyes flew open and glared at him hotly. “It’s Kirk, isn’t it? He couldn’t leave you alone any longer? Didn’t dare let you go where he wasn’t the center of your universe? Fucking egotistical bastard!” she hissed.

McCoy flinched, but he didn’t deny anything. He was not going to lie… not to himself, not to anyone, not any longer. “I can’t go through with this. It wouldn’t be fair…I _am_ sorry. I didn’t plan…”

His stumbling apology seemed to douse some of her fire and she shook her head and stared at the floor. “Sad thing is, I can’t figure out who’s the bigger fool here… You for jumping whenever he speaks or me for hoping that he had let you go.”

“How did you know?”

“You talk in your sleep, Len. Your dreams gave you away.” She shrugged. “I think that must make me the biggest fool of all. For hoping…”

“What do you want me to do?” He was trying to be gentle, to remember what it felt like to be on the receiving end of this shit, but he knew he was nowhere near to achieving that goal.

She regarded McCoy intently. When nothing had been said for too long, he began to fidget under her appraising gaze. She finally broke the stare and turned away, rifling in her duffle before turning back to him. She handed him a PADD, saying, “Just sign this and I’ll walk out there beside you, saying all the usual stuff about this being a ‘mutual’ decision, that our work was separating us too much or some tripe like that.”

McCoy took the PADD and looked at the document on it, his brow creasing. “What is this?”

Van’elria crossed her arms in front of herself. “A waiver of your parental rights. It’s a binding document, valid on all worlds in the Federation,” she repeated flatly. “You sign that and I’ll be out of your hair. You legally agree to sever any and all rights to know or associate in any way, shape, or form with our child… forever.”

 _‘Our child’?_ McCoy heard the words, but didn’t comprehend them. His eyes widened and then he slowly shook his head. “You’re… oh, no… that’s not possible. I’m ta-“

She nodded. “Yeah, but a pinch of Trysellium Anhydride each morning in your coffee and hello sperm factory.” There was no laughter in her voice.

McCoy staggered back as though punched and dropped into a chair. “Y-you… you drugged me? Used me? Why?” McCoy was white as a sheet, his hand gripping the PADD tightly.

Van’elria lifted her chin and straightened, defiance radiating from every pore. “I was going to tell you tonight… after the ceremony.” She glared at him icily. “Thought it would make a nice wedding present.”

“If that was the plan, then how do you explain this?” He angrily waved the PADD at her, demanding answers.

“It’s simple. I was prepared for both eventualities. The good… and the bad. Since you’re here, wanting to end it, seems I made the right choice. I’ll always have something of you and you’ll have Captain Jerk.”

She swallowed, her emerald eyes bright with barely suppressed fury. “For some stupid reason, I love you. I give a damn about you. I hoped and prayed that finally… finally, he had let you go. Let you have a chance at a life that would never be possible with him, but I should have known better. You have a self-destructive streak a mile wide.”

McCoy’s body surged with anger and he stood, his hazel eyes flashing. “Leave Jim out of this! He might be a lot of things, but he never deceived me, never was anything less than honest with me.” His hands curled into fists as fury roared through him. “You had no right to do this! I won’t sign. _If_ that’s my child, then I will _not_ give up my rights… n-not again.”

Van’elria stiffened, ready for a fight. She held her head high and her face went stone cold. “Don’t you dare talk to me about no right! You’re the oath breaker here, Leonard McCoy, not me.”

He looked like he was about to protest and her eyes blazed. “There’s no ‘if’ to it, you ass. Flip the page. I haven’t been with anyone else since the first time I laid eyes on you, you fuckin’ hypocrite. You know that and don’t dare accuse me of anything else!”

McCoy growled, but pulled his eyes away and looked at the test results on the PADD. Everything was there, her whole pregnancy spelled out for him. The genetic results, the gender… Every last detail. He sagged. “A boy?” His voice caught. “You’re carrying my son?” He barely choked out the last word around a lump in his throat.

He gazed at the tall, proud woman before him and no longer saw the warm, loving person that had comforted him; that had helped him to forget his ache for Joanna and his longing for Jim. Now she only seemed cold and brittle, closer to the gemstone of her eyes than a spring day. _He_ had done that to her. “This isn’t like you, Van. I know you and this isn’t you. Please don’t do this. I’m begging. I’ll do anything, just don’t take my child from me.”

The tears that she had fought began to slide silently down her cheeks. She shook her head. “This is your choice. I won’t share your heart, not anymore.” She turned away, ducking her head as she broke down.

McCoy stood there blinking, stunned, shocked into silence, his mind whirring, his heart thundering in his chest. He was blinded for a moment, had to concentrate on his breathing as the world went white. He clutched the PADD to his chest, counted his breaths, and tried to grab a hold of an anchor, anything that he could hold on to. This could not be happening. It all felt impossible, unreal, like he had stepped into an alternate universe of his life.

After long moments of blinding whiteness, the world began to gray around the edges, to solidify into distinct forms and objects, coherent thought instead of fragments of emotions. He lifted his eyes to Van’elria, wasn’t sure how long he’d zoned out, but her shoulders were still shaking. Part of him wanted to reach out and try to comfort her, but his questioning instinct stopped him. He might not be a tactical genius, but he was no fool and something here did not add up.

Slowly, oh so slowly, so that he felt like his thoughts were drowning in molasses, but they managed to coalesce and he narrowed his eyes as the first flush of anger crept up his spine. “Wait just a damned minute, Van’,” he started. His voice was harsher than he wanted, but he was having trouble speaking around his steadily mounting ire.

She turned her tear stained face to him and swiped at her cheeks.

“You claim that you did this for us… for me, but I don’t buy that. You planned this, not as a hopeful wedding present, but as blackmail, didn’t you?” He growled at her, but kept his distance. He didn’t trust himself too near her.

Van’s eyes widened, but she shook her head, trying to deny it. “No! That’s not it at all!”

“Really? So if I agree to this charade, you’d have no problem with me staying on the _Enterprise,_ like we agreed?” His voice was hard and brittle.

She licked her lips and nodded, agreeing. “But… but you-you couldn’t. Not now. How could I trust you with _him,_ alone, out there in space?”

“You…” he stopped. One thing he had learned the hard way was that name-calling did not help, only dragged the argument down into the mud and proceeded to turn both parties into stupid, brainstem-only savages. After taking a deep breath, and counting to ten, he continued. “Same way as you always could. I _never_ broke my vows to Jocelyn, not even when I knew she was cheating on me. Even without vows or anything official, I’ve been faithful to you, trusted you far more than you obviously did me.”

Van straightened, her arms wrapped around her waist, an instinctive protective gesture, but her eyes bore no sympathy or softness. “Trusted you? I have been dangling on a hook for two years! Off and on. You run crying to me when Jim’s off screwing another alien and I held you, supported you, put on a brave face even though you never admitted the truth. It was always a lie about losing a patient, about your daughter, never the truth about what Jim was doing and how it was breaking you apart, tearing you up inside.” Her voice had dropped to a cool, collected whisper, her eyes clear and icy. “Forget it, Len. Sign the damned PADD and give me a minute to clean up. We’ll all be better off this way.”

McCoy gaped at her, too many emotions were bombarding him and he could only stare in astonishment. Van’ had lied to him, fucking drugged him, a betrayal that stuck in his craw that he couldn’t quit focusing on, and now she’s acting like she’s the injured party? He focused on Jim for a minute and came to the conclusion that they’d work out something so that he could see his son. Jim was a genius, he could do that, always was managing to pull miracles out of his ass, he could surely manage this.

He signed the PADD and tossed it on the table. “There. You’ll regret keeping my son from me. A boy needs his father, Van’. You’ll change your mind, especially when he asks about me, unless you’re going to lie to him his whole life.” He nodded at her. “I’ll send you whatever money you--”

Van’elria cried out and hissed at him. “Don’t. You. Dare! I don’t need you or your help! My son will do just fine without you!” She pointed at the door, shaking with rage. “Get out!”

McCoy ducked his head as he moved to the door, he was not going to answer that. It’d only make things spiral further out of control. “I’ll wait outside,” he offered, his voice barely controlled as he let the door close silently behind him.

~~*~~

McCoy stumbled a few steps down the corridor and then fell against the wall, leaning heavily against it, his eyes closed, his breathing harsh, all fight and anger having fled as quickly as they arrived. _‘A son?’_ – what the hell was he doing?

He heard the sharp clicking of heels on marble rapidly approaching and he looked up and was greeted with the most coldly furious glare he’d had directed toward him since his divorce. Lir’elei’s eyes were almost identical to Van’s and McCoy flinched away from her righteous anger. His guilt forced him to hold her gaze, to accept her earned ire and not hide from it. His stomach churned as she stormed past, her glance flaying him alive, but he held his breath and suffered it until Lir’ disappeared into Van’s room.

McCoy slumped against the wall, releasing his held breath. This was all too much to take, overwhelming and unreal, more nightmare than life. He deflated, his head hit the wall, his eyes slamming shut to force back tears. He had to deal with the fallout, address their guests, figure out how to atone for this even if he never could, not really. But his legs stayed rooted to the spot, his mind and heart wrestling with his new, altered reality. One he could not have imagined a mere day ago. He was going to have a son that he would never know or see.

“That bad?” Jim murmured next to his ear. Jim was there, nudging his shoulder, his warmth, his scent, his mere presence soothing McCoy’s shattered nerves.

McCoy looked up and met Jim’s concerned gaze. He swallowed, felt hollow, shredded, angry and lost, but nodded. “Worse,” he croaked out.

Jim moved closer, his breath huffing against McCoy’s cheek as he clasped their hands together. “I’ll fix it, Bones. I promise.”

And for a moment, for one brief, shining instant, McCoy believed him, believed that somehow this hell he’d dived off into could be fixed.

“Bones?”

He looked up, barely managing the words as his whole body began to tremble. “Fuck, Jim.”

“What the hell did she do to you?”

McCoy shook his head. “Not now… I-I can’t.” He tried to straighten and attempted to fix his tie and jacket, but his hands were shaking too hard. “I have to—I owe it to those folks…”

Jim steadied McCoy, straightening his jacket and tying his tie. He kept a steady steam of reassuring words flowing over Leonard and they helped, gave strength to his legs, pushed back the nausea and finally allowed him to stand tall, seemingly unbowed, but he was broken, deeply shattered inside and wondered if he could ever be whole again.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

McCoy picked up the bottle of bourbon and splashed more into his glass, never taking his eyes from the console. He was so engrossed in watching the dark-haired child that he did not notice when Jim stormed in, having overridden his lock.

“Bones! What the hell? I’ve been looking for you…” Jim’s voice trailed off as he caught sight of the images on the screen. He moved closer and leaned over McCoy’s shoulder, almost as mesmerized by the video as Bones.

McCoy batted him away. “Goddammit, Jim! Can’t you take a fuckin’ hint?” His accent was thicker than normal, indicating just how long he’d been drowning in the bourbon. “The door was locked for a reason, yet here you are. Now get out.”

Jim ignored him, just let his tirade wash over him. He watched the screen, stared at the scenes of the young boy and his mother, but pressed his hand firmly down on McCoy’s shoulder. “Fuck, Bones, he’s getting so big!” Jim’s eyes were intent and wide, his voice awe-filled and soft.

Against his will, McCoy leaned into Jim’s hand, huffing out a breath as he tried to hold onto his anger, but Jim continued, leant over and pressed their cheeks together, completely enthralled. “He’s turning into a mini-Bones. Just look at those eyes.”

“I can see, Jim.” McCoy chased down the rising bile with more bourbon.

“Bones? When’d this one arrive?”

“This—“ his eyes flicked to the chronometer. “Yesterday morning. While we were planetside.”

Jim sighed and paused the holovid. He gave a reassuring squeeze to McCoy’s shoulder before moving around the sofa and dropping down onto it. Their thighs were pressed together, the warmth comforting, but McCoy wanted to wallow in his anger for a bit longer so he didn’t say anything else, didn’t give Jim anything to work with, just glared at him.

“Talk to me, Bones… please?”

McCoy still kept his silence and fastened his gaze back on the console, boring holes into Van’elria’s face, beautiful and shining in the sun, frozen in time as she smiled at _his_ son.

He felt Jim deflate, knew that he was frustrated with McCoy, but right at the moment he didn’t give a damn. Today had been too much, all of it piling on until McCoy was suffocating and Jim was the nearest target. At least he wasn’t shouting.

“Fine. Be an ass. I get that the vids are a double-edged sword. Great that Lir’elei sends them, but it just makes it more obvious how much you’re missing. But what do you want from me? I tried everything…” Jim’s voice had taken on that flat, monotone he got when he was hurting but didn’t want anyone to know how badly.

That was all Bones could take. He hurt like hell, but he wasn’t vindictive and god knows Jim had tried to get him visitation; had called in every favor, pulled every string he had or knew of, just that none of them had come through. Hell, even the vids weren’t official correspondence. They just showed up at random intervals whenever Lir’ felt like sending them.

“Shut it, Jim. Not your fault. Just isn’t the same watching Eli’s second birthday party weeks after the fact.”

McCoy ignored Jim’s quiet acknowledgement as the holo restarted. He stared at it and refused to turn away, but he could feel when Jim’s eyes shifted from watching him to silently watching the video. And when Jim’s hand rested on his thigh, seeping warmth into him, he swallowed around a lump in his throat.

The vid ended with Van’elius waving bye-bye to the camera, his big hazel eyes and lock of hair falling over his face completing the picture of a little Leonard.

“He’s perfect.” Jim breathed, his eyes still fixed on the smiling child.

The screen went dark and the room fell silent, McCoy ignoring Jim as he drained his glass.

After the silence stretched for too long, Jim asked softly, “Bones?”

McCoy ducked his head and sighed. “What the hell are you doing here, Jim? Didn’t the princess demand your services? Insist that you share her bed in return for not killing every damn one of us?”

“That’s not the way it went down! Dammit, if you’d just stayed…”

“I had injured to see to. Besides, I get tired of watching you hump everything in the universe in front of my face. I wasn’t going to stay. Just get out,” he growled.

“Fuck you! I’m not leaving. And if you had stayed, you would have known… would have seen—”

“Seen what?” McCoy’s eyes were dark and narrowed with anger when he turned. “Seen that I messed up? That Van’ was right. You are never going to change and I… I could have had _that._ ” He waved at the console.

“What?” Jim’s eyes went wide and his breath stuttered. “You don’t mean that,” he exhaled.

“Goddammit, Jim! I don’t know anything anymore. I just know that with each video I die a little more inside and then you go off bedding anything that moves…”

“Fuck you! You know better than that! Want me to contact the princess and get an affidavit? I’m not perfect, Bones, and situations have come up that put us all in a bad spot, but I have not _willingly_ sought out anyone else and you damn well know it!”

Jim’s jawed clenched tight, but he moved closer, his blue eyes focused and narrowed. “Look, Bones. I get it, but I’m not going to fight with you. I’m not going to sit here and be your convenient punching bag to take all you dish out because you can’t take it out on Van’elria or even Jocelyn. So, just stop.”

McCoy looked up then. He saw the hurt, knew that he was not being fair, that he was the one ruining everything. Jim _had_ been trying, _had_ been careful and in over two years there had only been two minor incidents and neither of them was Jim’s fault. It was just difficult, hard to breathe when he thought of the ‘normal’ life he could have had. All he could see was that little boy’s bright smile and know that he’d never get to see it shine for him. Never hear that voice call him _Daddy._

His whole body convulsed and he choked back a sob. “Fuck! I’m sorry. Just hurts, Jim.”

Jim climbed into Bones’ lap and wrapped himself tightly around his lover, his own body shuddering with barely restrained anguish. “I got you, Bones. Love you and not going to let you go.” he answered quietly, offering the only thing he had, himself, all the while silently praying it would be enough. “We’ll keep trying. I swear.”

McCoy pulled Jim in tight and buried his face in his neck, finally allowing himself to cry.

~~*~~

McCoy cursed the foolishness of engineers as he looked through the charts of the two lying in medbay. He didn’t even glance up when Jim stepped into his office, too busy swearing at the idiots who seemed to think they were invincible against radiation and plasma.

“Bones?”

Hearing the tremor in Jim’s voice, McCoy looked up sharply. The captain was pale. “Jim? What’s happened? Someone else hurt?”

Jim dropped to the other chair and ran his hands through his hair as he tried to figure out how to say what needed to be said. Instead he just flipped the console to face him and tapped out a few commands. The message appeared on the screen and froze, waiting for him to press the button.

He took his finger away and pressed his lips together. “There’s a message for you. I have been requested to release you for personal leave…”

“What?” McCoy’s heart dropped. “Is it Jo? What, Jim!” McCoy grabbed Jim’s shoulders and shook him, his voice frantic.

Jim shook his head. “Calm down, Bones. It’s not Joanna.” He reached over and hit the play button.

McCoy was shaking when the message ended. He couldn’t form the words. Couldn’t breathe.

Strong arms wrapped around his biceps and pulled him close. “Bones. Bones!” Jim gave him a little shake and McCoy finally looked at Jim with recognition.

“Shit, Jim!”

“I’m going with you, Bones. I’ll be right by your side.”

~~*~~

McCoy stepped off the shuttle and almost immediately had Lir’ in a tight hug. He wrapped his arms around Van’elria’s sister and held her while she cried, his own eyes wet.

Lir’elei pulled away, swiping at her face. “Sorry. Forgive me. Thought I could keep it together better than that by now.”

McCoy pulled her back in for another tight squeeze. “Don’t you dare apologize. Van’ was your sister. I’d be worried if you _weren’t_ crying.”

Lir’ gave him a weak smile and led the way out of the space port. The silence that descended during the drive was awkward, but even Jim did not feel the need to fill the empty spaces with chatter.

When they arrived at the small house on the outskirts of town, she showed them to a tiny, but orderly bedroom. McCoy halted. He recognized the very scent of the room.

Lir’ turned and looked at the two men. “We don’t have anywhere else, Leonard. I thought you’d be okay with it?”

McCoy swallowed and nodded, stepping into Van’elria’s room. “Thanks.” He dropped his bag on the bed and looked at Lir’elei. “Lir’, can you tell me what the hell I’m doing here?”

She hesitated, looking down before taking a deep breath and meeting their questioning eyes. She gave a sharp nod, waving at them to follow her. They walked back into the living area and to the kitchen. She pointed through the small window on the wall toward the patch of green behind the house. They watched in silence as Dar’ien and Van’elius twirled in circles and then fell to the ground laughing when they were dizzy.

“You love him, don’t you?” Lir’ studied McCoy as he watched his son play.

“With all my heart, Lir’. Thank you for sending me the vids. It was almost like I got to share his life, even if it was just an illusion.” McCoy breathed, his eyes never leaving his son.

“I didn’t send those vids, Len. Not a single one. Van’ did.” Her voice was quiet and sad.

McCoy tore his eyes from Van’elius and fixed them on Lir’elei. “What? But…”

Lir’ put her hand on McCoy’s arm. “Have a seat. I think we could all use some tea.” She looked up at Jim who still hovered in the doorway, unsure. “You, too.” She turned to the cabinets and began bustling around. “Van’ wanted to hate you, Captain. She wanted to hate both of you so much…” She leaned against the counter and crossed her arms over her chest. “But she couldn’t, not once Eli was born.”

She tried to smile, but it was forced and she turned away, her eyes catching and holding on the scene outside. She returned to the table with three cups and joined McCoy and Jim, who were simply looking at her in confused and awkward silence.

“Sorry. I’m still not quite ready for this.”

McCoy placed a comforting hand on Lir’s arm. “I understand. You just lost your sister…”

“Yeah, and now I’m going to lose that little guy, too.” Her eyes shimmered with tears again.

“Look, let me just say all this quickly before I can’t. And, believe me, you don’t want to have to deal with Dar’. He is so angry at Van’ for being stupid and getting herself killed, but somehow blames you…” She licked her lips and shook her head at her halting speech. “He’s angry because Van’s will was quite clear, left no doubt or wiggle room and Dar’ hates to be thwarted. Eli’s yours to raise, Len. _That’s_ why you’re here. I know it’s sudden and I know I should have told you more, given you some warning, but I wasn’t sure after everything… didn’t know if you’d even want him.” She clasped McCoy’s hand. “She still loved you. She wanted Eli to know his father, to know you.” Tears were running down her cheeks and she couldn’t stop the choking sobs. “She made sure he did. She talked about you, told him what a good doctor you are, showed him pictures and vids… he was proud of his Daddy Len…”

McCoy broke down, held Lir’ in his arms and let the tears fall. Jim stood behind them and pressed a hand to McCoy’s back, a warm weight that kept him grounded and let him know he was not in this alone.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Jim stood in the doorway, a silent observer, watching as Bones rocked and sang and cajoled Eli to sleep, his deep voiced singing making Jim’s heart constrict. Bones winced each time Eli cried out for ‘Mama’, but he never stopped murmuring in lush, warm tones and the toddler eventually settled and drifted off to sleep, one fist wrapped tightly in Bones’ shirt, the other pressed to his mouth.

Jim pulled himself away, drifted to the dimly lit kitchen. He was at loose ends, felt oddly detached from everything. He had vowed to be at Bones’ side through this, but Bones didn’t really need him here and while Lir’elei was pleasant enough, Dar’ien was openly hostile.

He had already opened the refrigerator when he heard a soft snarl.

“Sure. Help yourself to everything… like you own the place.” Dar’ snorted. “Oh,” he said, “that’s right. You and your damned doctor _do_ own this house, at least until Eli’s of age.”

Jim whirled and faced Dar’ien, sitting alone in the dark at the kitchen table, a bottle in front of him. “Shit!” he huffed back, startled. “You always drink in the dark?” It was a stupid question. “Look, I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t help, but I mean it.”

“Grab a glass and sit down. I need you to hear a few things. Things that Lir’ will never tell you.”

Jim didn’t really want to hear the venom that was sure to be directed his way. He was honest enough with himself that he knew his own faults, acknowledged them, so he didn’t need a grieving brother hitting him over the head with them. But Jim also knew that Bones would not keep Van’s family out of Eli’s life, so that meant he’d have to get along with Lir’elei and Dar’ien. Listening to his screed would be a first step in doing that.

He took a glass out of the cabinet and sat down stiffly. He made no move to pour himself a drink, preferring to be sober for what was to come. Dar’ had different ideas and he poured four fingers of whiskey into Jim’s glass.

“Drink up. This is pretty decent stuff. Van usually had good taste.”

Dar’ raised his glass and took a large swallow, his eyes peering intently at Jim.

Jim’s eyes had adjusted to the dim light and he lifted the glass and sipped, the amber liquid burning a fiery trail down his throat before pooling warm in his gut. “I’m all ears and I’d rather you took your anger out on me, instead of Bones.”

“You’d like?” Dar’ shook his head and finished off his glass. “You always get what you want, _Captain?_ ” He poured himself more whiskey and continued, anger radiating off of him in waves. “How do you look at yourself in the mirror after what you did to Van?”

“I didn’t intend to hurt your sis-…”

“Intentions mean jack and you know it! Whatever you intended, you broke my sister’s heart and now there’s a little boy in there… _my_ nephew. Are you going to be so casual with his heart? He just lost his mother. You going to whisk him off to your ship, raise him there? Without sky and grass and fresh air… kids his own age? What kind of life is that for a growing boy?”

“What are you saying? He should stay here?” Jim’s heart spasmed at the thought. Bones would never agree to that. He had missed too much of Joanna’s younger years; he’d never let go of Eli.

“Yeah, he should. Lir’ and I can raise him with his mother’s people in his mother’s home, surrounded by family, not the vacuum of space.” Dar’ stared at him intently, his green eyes almost glowing in the dim light. “For once, it should be about someone other than you, _Captain._ ”

“It’s not my decision.”

“Riiight.” Dar’ took a big swallow and chuckled. “Like the doc isn’t so hung up on you that he’ll do anything you ask. He dumped my sister at the altar, gave up Eli for you. Of course he will. You must be pretty handy with that cock of yours, the way he’s so hot for you. Nothing matters but the great Captain James T. Kirk.” The liquid sloshed in his glass as he waved his hand to drive his point home.

Jim’s anger flared and he stood, his hands clenched into fists, his breathing harsh. No one talked about Bones like that. But before he could say anything, another voice came from the doorway.

“Sit down, Jim. And shut up, Dar’. You’re drunk, and a bigger fool than Van’ ever said. Eli’s _my_ son and I will be the one raising him, so you can just drop it.” His voice was hoarse and Jim heard a resigned sigh at the end.

“Bones!”

Bones shook his head, raised his hand, but Jim couldn’t read his expression in the dim light. “There is nothing more to say. I decide what’s best for my son, just like Van’ wanted.”

“You think that’s the last word?” Dar’ien snarled at Bones. He stood unsteadily and would have advanced on the doctor, but Jim was sober and fast and clamped a hand on his shoulder, forcing him back down into his chair.

“Sit down.”

“I’m a lawyer! And you two aren’t fit parents! I’ll-”

Jim hand clenched into a fist and he found his hand already pulled back, just wanted to shut Dar’ up.

“Stop!” Bones shouted and Dar’ startled under Jim’s hand. “If you keep on, then I’ll be forced to assume you’re a drunken ass who doesn’t deserve to ever see Eli again. Just shut your mouth and listen. Eli is _my_ son and my responsibility and I’m going to do what’s best for _him._ No one else matters. Now get the fuck out of his house!”

Bones stormed out of the room, leaving Jim staring after him with a sinking feeling in his stomach and a bad taste in his mouth.

Finally he stirred, realized he still had his hand gripping Dar’ien’s shoulder. “I suggest you leave… now,” he growled pulling Dar’ up and propelling him out of the kitchen.

“Sonuvabitch!”

Jim escorted Dar’ien to the door and did not half push him out the door, but he watched him stumble down the steps and along the street before he shut and locked the door. Something told him that he was not going to like the conversation that was sure to come, but he set his shoulders and decided he had no choice. He’d meet the problem head on and barrel his way through it. He was James T. Kirk and didn’t believe in no-win scenarios, especially not when it came to Bones.

~~*~~

Unfortunately for Jim, Bones did not share his disbelief of no-win scenarios, and Bones had known him long enough to know exactly how to avoid talking. Bones was skirting the issue, concentrating on Eli, learning his son’s schedule and spending every waking moment with him.

And what could Jim say? He couldn’t argue with the man bonding with his child, his son that he never expected to see in person, let alone hold or raise. So, he stood back, fought with his instinct to rush in and demand they solve it _right now._

As Jim watched Bones and Eli sitting on a blanket in the back yard reading in the late afternoon sun, his heart was torn. The scene in the yard was endearing, heartwarming, paternal. It created a yearning for something that he only barely recalled from his earliest years with Grandpa Tiberius and it made him finally admit that he needed Bones more than he was needed. The thought scared him, made his blood run cold, but it was a distinct possibility. He could lose Bones. Probably would now.

Lir’iel walked into the room, but Jim never took his eyes from the scene outside. He was gripping the counter tightly and marshaling his breathing. He was not going to have a panic attack over this, not now. They could make this work. He had to make it work.

“He’s a natural with Eli.”

Jim only nodded, afraid of speaking and refusing to look away.

“You really do love him, don’t you?” Lir’ turned to stare at Jim, resting her hip against the counter. He could feel her eyes boring holes into him.

“Van’ said you did,” she continued. “She told me many times that Leonard was too wise and far too careful to give up everything for someone who couldn’t love, who _didn’t_ love. I didn’t believe her. Thought that she was making up this grand, pre-destined romance novel shit to make it easier to bear that she’d been dumped at the altar.” She shook her head and turned her eyes back outside. “But the look on your face when you watch him – when you think no one’s looking – you’re so far gone. Got it bad. Far worse than Van’ ever did. So, I was wrong. Big sis was right again, just like she’s right about Eli being with him.”

She smiled as Eli clapped and jumped up, wrapping his tiny toddler arms about Len’s neck. “He’s going to be a great father and Eli will be lucky to have him.” Her voice shook a bit and Jim finally turned his eyes away in time to catch her swipe at her eyes. “Sorry. Just going to miss having the little guy around, having a part of Van’.”

“Who said he won’t be around?” Jim asked, his voice rough.

Lir’ blinked at Jim. “Weren’t you listening?”

Jim took a deep breath and gave a terse nod before returning his eyes to the yard. “I heard every word. But it’s not my decision, and if Bones thinks raising Eli here is what’s best for his son, then that’s what’ll happen.” He knew his voice had taken on that flat monotone he had learned to keep away any hint of emotion, to keep his mom from knowing how desperately he needed and wanted her home, to keep Frank from using his smartass remarks as an excuse for another session with the belt. It was a tone that he had used to separate himself from painful emotions and he needed it now, more than ever.

Lir’ placed a hand over his white-knuckled one. “A miserable, lonely parent isn’t what’s best for Eli, Jim. Make sure Leonard doesn’t forget that his needs matter, too. Trust me on this one.” She leaned up and gave Jim a soft kiss on the cheek, one last squeeze of his hand before leaving him alone with his thoughts.

 _‘You don’t know how damned self-sacrificing Bones is, but I’ll try,’_ Jim thought to himself. He had been making plans, hoping he could follow through, that he had the courage, finally, to do what he should have done before there was an Eli, before there was Van’. Looking out the window again, Jim shook his head. No. This is the way things were meant to be. He could do this, make this work for them. Some how.

Jim set his shoulders, steadied himself, and pushed away the cold dread in his stomach. He wasn’t going to let Bones hide from him any longer, and he wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

~~*~~

Later that night, Jim went after Bones and found him, not in Eli’s room, but outside, sitting on the blanket, leaning back on his elbows, staring off into the night sky. Jim sat down next to Bones, pressing their legs together and huffed softly, his shoulders slumping, unsure where to begin, but knowing what he wanted more than anything. “This changes everything, Bones.”

McCoy turned to look at Jim, feeling that he was at another crossroads, was being forced to choose between Jim and Eli. History was repeating itself, and this time he had no choice.

“Yeah, I know,” his voice was rough and he closed his eyes, wondering how his heart could be shattered and so full of love at the same time.

He heard Jim shift, felt his warmth pull away, and he swallowed, expecting the ‘it’s over’ speech. Jim had never signed on for kids and Eli couldn’t live on the _Enterprise._

“Bones? Please look at me.”

McCoy’s brow furrowed and his eyes flew open to look up at Jim’s face. Jim was kneeling on one knee before him, his face intent and serious, the look in his eyes one that Len did not recognize. “Jim?”

Jim swallowed and reached for McCoy’s hand. “Leonard McCoy, will you marry me? I need you and I want us to get married. I should have asked before, but I never got the nerve.”

McCoy was dumbstruck and simply blinked at the man before him.

“Bones?” Jim was suddenly uncomfortable with the long silence.

McCoy looked at Jim, his eyes wet. He shook his head. “Get up, Jim. Just sit here with me. Please?”

“But, Bones… what do you say?”

McCoy sat up and tugged Jim to his side. He took a deep breath and answered, slowly and deliberately. “No.” He met Jim’s eyes, reached up to cup his cheek to soothe the hurt. “I love you enough that I can’t say ‘yes’. I’m not going to take you away from the stars, from the _Enterprise,_ from your dreams. You found where you belong and I won’t ask that of you.”

“You’re not asking, Bones. I’m offering. I want to help you raise Eli.”

McCoy shook his head, his hand taking Jim’s. “Dar’s an asshole of epic proportions, but he’s right about one thing… Eli needs to be raised on a planet, in a home, not on a Starship. He deserves friends and grass and fresh air, but most of all, he deserves a loving parent to raise him. He just lost his mother. I won’t let him lose me, too, and I won’t take you from your ship.”

Len hated the words coming out of his mouth, despised the way Jim’s bright blue eyes clouded over and grew dark, melancholy, the bright summer sky turning into a dreary, rainy day. And Len had caused that. Finally, after all these years, Len figured it out. It was him. He was the one that broke bright souls, leaving a trail littered behind him.

Jim licked his lips, at a loss for words, his heart in his throat, but he wasn’t surprised by Len’s answer. He knew Bones, but wasn’t yet sure how to convince Len that the _Enterprise_ didn’t matter, that Jim was determined to marry him and help raise Eli, that Jim wanted to be at Len’s side no matter where that was.

He took a deep breath and nodded. “I get that, Bones. Eli’s first in everything, he has to be. He needs you, but I need you, too. I need you more than the Enterprise. I still want us to get married, and raise Eli together.”

Bones looked shocked, his eyes wide and his brows furrowed. “What? You’d give up the _Enterprise?_ ”

Jim wrapped his arms around Len, pulled him tight to him, whispering hoarsely against his neck as the terror of finally owning up to how deeply he needed this man almost overwhelmed him. “It wouldn’t be home without you there.”

Len smiled, pleasure lighting up his face. “You mean that? You’d give up command? For me?” He shuddered as something broke in him as Jim’s strength and support and unconditional acceptance finally released the knot of guilt and fear that had been choking him. He kissed Jim with everything he had, allowing his lips and tongue to blot out the universe for a time.

When they pulled away, Len marveled at Jim by the light of three small moons. He kissed Jim lightly on the nose and pulled them down to the blanket to gaze up at the wide expanse of sky. “I love you so fucking much, Jim,” his voice was weighted and heavy. “We’re not getting married, not yet, and you’re not giving up the _Enterprise,_ but we’re not doing this alone.” He had no idea what was to come and how they’d manage, but he’d almost lost Jim once before, he wasn’t going to risk that again.

“Okay, Bones, whatever you want. I’ll do my damnedest to make it happen.”

And Len knew he would.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Jim leaned against the wall as the door closed behind him, taking a deep breath, he pushed the pain back. It took a few minutes, longer than he would admit, to get his taut muscles to quit spasming and he was sweating, but he couldn’t collapse, not yet. He was nearly done with everything and the last thing he wanted was to show back up at sickbay pleading for pain relief. The doc would send him to SFM instead of Bones.

When his voice was steady once again, he comm’d Spock and moved to the bed. His yeoman had packed most of his things, just needed the few that he couldn’t wait for. He smiled at the last thing to go into his duffle, the latest picture of Bones and Eli. He rubbed his finger over the picture, amazed at the soft smile on Bones’ face, the adoration and the way he looked so completely content holding his drowsy son in his arms. Fatherhood agreed with Bones. He looked younger, carefree, and lighter, less burdened than he ever had been in space. It made Jim smile to see his lover doing so well, even if his letters were filled with complaints about how each incoming class was dumber than the one before.

Jim chuckled, surprised at himself. He was okay with leaving the _Enterprise._ At that moment, he realized that he wanted to be there to take pictures like this, instead of only Joanna having that privilege. He wanted to be there, holding Bones and Eli, instead of merely staring at a picture as he drifted off to sleep. He had felt content with their setup: the occasional meet-ups, the shore leaves, the rare, shared holiday. But after the scare, the last fucked up mission where he almost didn’t make it, he was no longer content. Bones had never once said it, but Jim knew, could tell with every fiber of his being that he was missed, that this life, for all its highs, was not quite what his lover wanted for them. And now he finally got it, felt the same. He was ready as he’d never believed possible. Funny how life took such unexpected turns.

The door chimed, and he dropped the holo into his duffle, zipping it closed before turning. “Come,” he called out. The ship was already mostly empty; there was no way it was anyone but Spock.

“Captain? I did not expect you to be still here.” Spock stood, his head cocked, an eyebrow arched. Even if few could tell it, concern laced his calm monotone.

“It’s Jim now, Spock. I’m not your CO, remember?” Jim smiled at the same conversation they’d had a thousand times before, familiar and that little bit teasing. This time had the twist of Jim actually no longer being his captain. “Just this once… especially now, it’s Jim. Just Jim.”

“Cap – Jim, you wished to see me?”

Jim shook his head and grinned up at Spock, leaning heavily on his cane as he walked to the Vulcan. “Never change, Spock.”

“Should you be standing?”

“No, probably not, but I needed to give this to you.” He handed Spock a brushed silver sealed case which contained the command codes, the overrides for every security system, and not just those on board the _Enterprise,_ but also the standard codes for the planetary defense systems. “It’s re-keyed to you, and only you.” He smiled past the lump in his throat, but was proud of how far he and Spock had come, and knew he could trust his executive officer. “Take good care of her, Spock, and try to keep Scotty from going wild.”

Before Spock could protest and refuse, Jim pressed the case into his hands. “You’re the CO now, Spock, and if I don’t get off med leave, she’ll be yours out there, too. You should have this. I want you to have it. I trust you.”

“Jim –”

At that moment, the door slid open and Dr. Lorraine Suzeman marched in, her face flushed and her eyes hard. “Forgive the intrusion, Commander.” She strode over to Jim, her tricorder already out, swearing under her breath as she forced him to be seated on the sofa.

He groaned softly as the shifting forced his leg to bend and pain shot up his spine.

She took a deep breath and looked down at Kirk. Her face was stony, eyes blazing as she knelt beside him. “With all due respect, sir, what _the fuck_ were you thinking?” She was not Bones, but Bones had hand-picked her and she was no slouch when it came to swearing and glaring. But right now the wild, fearful look in her eyes made Jim need to console, to soothe.

“Suze, it’s okay…”

“Dammit! No, it’s not! I didn’t release you from sickbay so you could go traipsing all over the ship! Your heart rate’s elevated, your fever’s back up, your breathing’s too shallow. Goddamned, stubborn idiot…” she growled. “You were only to come to your quarters and gather a few essentials! What the hell were you doing in Engineering? We’re in Spacedock! You’re on medical leave!”

She took a breath long enough to glance at the readings, but did not give Jim a chance to get in another word. “Now your BP’s too low! McCoy is going to kill me! He’s already comm’d me four times and I couldn’t answer where my patient was! Fuck.” She pulled out a hypo and pressed it none too gently to the captain’s neck, injecting him quickly.

“Doctor, I know the captain…”

She glanced up at Spock and gave him a curt shake. “Just drop it, Commander. I’m sorry, but you and I both know how he works and there is no defense for disregarding my orders.” She turned back to the captain, taking a deep breath before speaking though the tic in her jaw gave away just how aggravated she was. “The readings are settling… so I can probably release you to Doctor McCoy’s care, but,” – she caught the captain’s eyes, hers narrowed, – “but, it’s a close thing. I’m not sure that I won’t get disciplinary action for not sending you straight to SFM. The longer you stand on that leg, the longer it’ll take for the damage to heal.”

Jim silently took her tirade, knowing he had earned it. He nodded as he listened to the doc’s fear. He may not know Suze as well as he knew Bones, but she was a tough, no-nonsense physician, and his two years serving with her had taught him her tells. He had pushed it, and her, but he might not be coming back and he wasn’t going to leave his ship hanging. “Sorry, doc,” he offered, ruefully. “Bones will take care of the brass, you’ll be fine.”

Suzeman pushed the hair from her face and frowned. “Dammit, I don’t care about that! You’re my patient, not even released…” She slumped a little. Jim looked at her and knew that the doc was near her breaking point, too. It had been a hellish few weeks and she had lost too many under her care, the toll engraved on her face.

He lifted his hand to the doc’s shoulder and squeezed it, the concession the best apology he could offer. “C’mon. You and Spock can walk me to the transporter room. Make sure I get there. And you can start your leave, too. You need it.”

She gave him a weak smile and straightened, gathering herself as she stood. “Sorry, sir.” She shot a glance at Spock over her shoulder. “Forgive me, Commander. My behavior—“

“Your behavior was completely understandable in light of the captain’s own. You have nothing to apologize for, Doctor.”

“Thanks.” She took Jim’s duffle bag, slinging it over her shoulder as Spock moved to the other side to help him up. He hated needing the aid, but he couldn’t get up on his own right now to save his soul. Flanked by the doctor and Spock, they slowly made their way through the near empty corridors.

Jim had said his goodbyes, to his crew and his ship. He was ready, but even with the hypo Suze had given him, the walk was taxing. He thought he hid his shaking muscles well as he gladly stood on the transporter pad, tossing Spock one last salute. “Energize.”

~~*~~

The warm summer sky was overcast, but the breeze caressing him put a smile on his face. The hills above San Francisco hadn’t been home when he left the Academy, but grilling hamburgers and the sounds of childish laughter definitely changed all that. Here was home now, as no place had ever been before, not even the _Enterprise._

“Jim!”

His legs were weak and he was truly exhausted, so he didn’t even try to move. “Bones!” Strong arms embraced him, held tight and for a few brief moments, he let himself go limp and, just savor the feeling of being held, no longer having to be strong and invincible. He had missed this so fucking much it took his breath away.

The moment was shattered by a loud cry and a shriek. “Papa Bear!”

Bones chuckled and pulled away, stepping behind Jim. “Jo Bear! Baby Bear!” He grimaced as he was tackled, pain stiffening his spine as stars blinded his vision, but he still gathered Eli tightly in his right arm and had his left wrapped around Joanna, pulling them close, not willing to let go for anything.

Jim groaned and swayed until he felt Bones support him, holding him up and whispering against his neck, “Got ya’. Just hang on for a minute longer. They need to know you’re okay.”

Jim nodded, could do nothing else but smile through the pain and cling desperately to his family. _His family._ The thought choked him and he clamped his eyes shut against the overwhelming emotions. He had made it back to them, maybe not completely whole and hearty, but he was here. He was here.

“James T. Kirk!”

That voice shocked him and Jim’s eyes flew open. “Mother?” he cried out, his voice hoarse with emotion as he looked up. “What the— ” He glared over his shoulder.

McCoy’s face was calm with one eyebrow arched upward. “You expected me to say no to your mom?”

“Bones! How did she know?” he hissed.

The eyebrow inched higher. “She’s still a member of Starfleet, kid. And she’s a Kirk. You _really_ thought you could keep your status a secret? Besides, I wasn’t going to turn down an offer of a week’s babysitting when I knew you’d need the recovery time.”

McCoy shrugged and reached for Eli. “Hop down, little man, and get washed up. Dinner’s almost ready.”

Eli pouted, throwing his arms around Jim’s neck. “No! Papa Bear’s home now, he’s the boss. Not Mama Bear!”

“I’m going to Mama Bear you!” McCoy threatened, his fingers wriggling over Eli’s ribs. The boy’s squeals and squirming sent Jim into a tailspin, the pain staggering him. Bones caught him and Joanna pulled Eli away, a worried frown on her face.

“Go on,” McCoy calmed the kids. “He’s not quite healed and he’s been on that leg for too long. Don’t worry. Just run along and set the table and pour the tea.” Winona hovered nearby, but she merely took Eli’s hand and led him away, her angry glare smothered by genuine concern.

McCoy looked at Jim and grabbed his duffle, before carefully lifting his arm over his shoulder. “Let’s see about getting you situated where you’re not about to fall over.”

As they started walking, Jim’s leg buckled and he slumped against McCoy, who let out a soft grunt. “You are in so much shit, Jim,” he growled softly.

“Bones, I – ”

“Just shut it, Jim. We’ll talk about your irresponsible, reckless behavior after the kids are gone. I’m not going to have your first day back dissolve into an argument in front of them.”

“Bones,” Jim protested weakly. In truth, he was hurting and the short walk to the front porch had him sweating and weak. The mere idea of navigating up the stairs had him shaking.

McCoy just shook his head and stopped at the bottom step, giving Jim a chance to catch his breath, but it still took all that he had to make it up to the bedroom. By the end, it felt as though the room was spinning; Bones was carrying him the final steps. Jim finally collapsed onto the bed and the world disappeared in a haze.

~~*~~

Jim cried out, fought against the smothering dirt, clawed against the rocks pinning him down, but he was trapped and slowly suffocating.

“Jim!” A familiar voice lit the darkness.

He was gasping for breath, panting, his leg cramping, but strong arms held him, not constricting, just soothing. “Just breathe, Jim. Slowly. In-out, in-out. It was a nightmare. You’re home and safe. I got you.”

The litany finally registered and he blinked awake, moaning softly as awareness returned and the pain from his leg overtook the lingering panic from the dream. After a sharp pinch at his neck, welcome relief began to overtake him and he could finally open his eyes. He was met with Bones’ visage, drawn tight, and eyes narrowed.

Jim forestalled him. “’m fine, Bones. ‘mare… just a nightmare.” Between the remnants of the nightmare and whatever drug Bones gave him, Jim could barely string two words together.

“You keep thrashing like that, your leg’s not going to be fixable.” McCoy tried to be gruff, but his voice was thick with fear.

Jim tried to lift his hand to wave off Bones’ worry, but his whole body felt leaden, too heavy, as though gravity had increased and was pinning him to the bed. “Wha’ give me?”

McCoy smiled softly and kissed his lips before kissing each drooping eyelid. “Sleep, darlin’. I got you.”

~~*~~

The second time Jim awoke, it was with much less drama. He blinked slowly, but kept still as he remembered where he was, breathed in the unfiltered air, the scent of flowers heavy in the room. He opened his eyes fully and was greeted with the sight of a large bouquet and two hand-drawn cards sitting on the nightstand.

The warm body behind him registered and he wriggled against it. He chuckled at Bones’ soft ‘Dammit, Jim!’ but only pressed harder against his lover’s morning erection.

“Missed you, too, Bones.”

“You’re in no shape for anything, so quit making promises you can’t keep.” McCoy argued, but his arm tightened around Jim’s waist and his hand traced a line from his ribs and abdomen down to rest against Jim’s thigh.

“Feels good…” Jim murmured as he relaxed back against McCoy. He shifted his legs gingerly so that he didn’t strain his injury any further.

McCoy slid his hand down and cupped Jim’s balls before pressing against his cock through his boxer-briefs. “Careful. That leg of yours is a mess. Gonna take a lot of reconstruction. It’ll be awhile before you’re off medical leave. You know that, right? Doctor Suzeman didn’t tell you anything else?”

“Suze told me. Swore at me, more like. Not quite as good as you, though.” Jim muttered as his body was caught between two delicious sensations and he couldn’t decide whether to push back or press forward.

McCoy took the choice from him and stilled him by pressing firmly into his abdomen. “Oh, no you don’t, sugar,” he whispered against the shell of Jim’s ear.

Jim whimpered, wanting more, but his leg was already protesting and the sharp pain was fighting with arousal. “Bones,” he whined.

“I got you. Just relax and listen for once,” McCoy commanded.

“You _don’t_ got me. That’s the problem. Fuck! I need you, Bones. Been too long.” Jim wasn’t above begging, didn’t care what state he was in, he just _needed_ McCoy so damned bad.

“Hush you. I’ll take care of you, but first you’re going to listen to me.”

McCoy pulled Jim back against his chest, held him firm, his voice gravelly in Jim’s ear. “You’re an idiot! Too noble for your own good, and too reckless with your own safety. You almost _died,_ Jim. And then if that wasn’t enough, you were running around your ship, ignoring your doctor’s orders, and for what? Dammit, Jim! You made Doctor Lorraine Suzeman break down! She served two tours on the front lines during the Colony Rebellions. Do you have any idea how impossible I thought it’d be for you to do that? What the fuck were you thinking?”

Jim knew Bones was only getting started, building up a head of steam that would be impossible to short circuit if he didn’t interrupt soon. He rolled onto his back and pressed a hand to Bones’ lips. “Stop. Just hear me out.”

Jim didn’t wait, didn’t give Bones a chance to ignore him. “I did all that on the ship, in direct violation of Suze’s orders because I was planning, Bones.”

“Planning?” McCoy’s eyebrow went skyward, his mouth curled downward with suspicion.

“Yep. Planning for not going back. For staying here… home. With you and the kids. If you’ll have me?” Jim finished softly, suddenly doubtful.

“ _If_ I’ll have you?!”

McCoy pulled him forward, plundering his mouth. Jim fell into the kiss, drank it in, allowed himself to finally let go. He shuddered with the emotions that swamped him and he could only cling tightly to Bones, moaning when he pulled away.

McCoy rested their foreheads together, giving them both a chance to catch their breath. He met Jim’s eyes, his own shining. “I’d never ask, Jim, you know why, but it’s all I’ve wanted, all we’ve wanted. Need you here, darlin’.”

“I’m here to stay… Mama Bear,” he chuckled, and kissed away Bones’ protest.

The End


End file.
